Carve My Eyes Out With a Wooden Spoon
by EdmundMcSmartypants
Summary: Donny needs to learn the saying "Curiosity killed the cat".


**Title:** Carve My Eyes Out With A Wooden Spoon  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Pairing/character(s):** Wilhelm Wicki/Hugo Stiglitz, Donny, (Aldo Raine)  
**Word Count:** 1 439  
**Disclaimer:** Me? Own them? *Laughs out loud*  
**Summary:** Donny needs to learn the saying "Curiosity killed the cat."  
**Warnings:** Except for the manly love, and the artistic liberties I took? Nothing, I guess...  
**Notes: sang_ok was a darling and translated the German passages for me, which basically means she now has a slave for life! 3 Thank you so much!**

Carve My Eyes Out With a Wooden Spoon

Donny was a man with a lot of complexes; even he himself could admit that. As a kid he had been teased for his long lashes and so he had lifted weights until the bullies didn't even dare _look_ at his eyes anymore. Another one had been his rather hairy body. Eighteen years old, in the changing rooms after baseball practice, and with everyone's eyes on him. Oh, they had tried to be discreet about their staring, but he could feel their gazes when he turned his back.

Not to mention his hatred for the Nazis. That's right, let's not even go there.

But the one thing that he felt most strongly about, except of course the Nazis, was feeling dumb. It wasn't his fault the letters in the schoolbooks wouldn't stay still when he read them. And when he explained to the teachers his problem, all they had ever said was how he was simply stupid and that he would never amount to anything other than taking over his father's barbershop. When he finally finished school two years behind everyone else in his year, he had gladly watched his old books burn as he destroyed them on the schoolyard.

Later on he found out he liked the military quite a bit. They did not require you to read, only to take orders and follow your common sense. And so, one beautiful morning, Aldo Raine had taken him aside and told him he was putting a special force together. Donny had been honoured to get the title of sergeant, put every last thought of feeling stupid far away in the back of his mind, and prepared himself for feeling useful. And he succeeded, for quite a while. That is, until Hugo Stiglitz joined the basterds.

----

"Wie würden die anderen wohl reagieren wenn ich dir hier und jetzt einen blasen würde?" (_I wonder what their reactions would be if I were to suck you off here and now_.)

Wicki promptly choked on the bread he was having and turned bright red. Stiglitz bared his teeth into something resembling a smile.

"Du Arsch, wieso hast du das gesagt? Wenn sie das jetzt verstanden hätten…" (_You bastard, I can't believe you just said that. __What if they had understood!)_

Stiglitz snorted.

"Als ob diese Clowns etwas anderes als ihren eigenen, verunstalteten Dialekt verstehen könnten." (_As if these buffoons could understand anything other than their own mangled dialect.)_

Wicki just shrugged his shoulders as if saying 'fair enough', then went back to eating while trying to will his red cheeks away. By now, most of the basterds were staring openly at the odd pair. None of them had ever seen Wicki blush before. Not even the disconcerting sight of Stiglitz smiling was disturbing enough for them to look away when the otherwise so stoic Austrian had been ruffled.

"Das ist nicht lustig." (_You're no fun.)_

Stiglitz elbowed Wicki in the side. Wicki just turned his head and continued to ignore him.

"Du bist doch sonst nicht so prüde. "(_It is not like you to be a prude.)_

Wicki exhaled loudly, then turned to Stiglitz once more.

"Aber nur wenn wir unter uns sind. Ich will einfach nicht, dass das jeder mitbekommt. Das muss echt niemand wissen." (_No, not when it's just the two of us. But I do not want my private life to be made public knowledge.) _

Stiglitz grinned again.

"Weiß auch keiner. Die verstehen doch kein einziges Wort, sonst würden sie jetzt anders dreinschauen." _(Ah, but I'm not making it public knowledge, am I? They don't understand a word I'm saying. Because if they did, they would look a lot funnier than they do now.)_

Wicki blinked and looked up at the gawking men. He cleared his throat.

"Yer worse'n a coupla ol' ladies, y'all. Me, I'm gunna go n' see 'bout a place ta sleep. You girls go 'head 'n do whatcherlike."

Aldo's nicely put opinion seemed to snap most of the men out of it and they went back to finishing their meals as quickly as possible. That is, all except for one.

----

Before Hugo Stiglitz came into the picture, they were a group of English-speaking men. The only time Donny was reminded of Wicki's real heritage was in a situation much too fun for him to mind: interrogating Nazis. Besides, it was never unclear what Wicki said, because he just operated as a translator for what Aldo said. But now, suddenly, a Kraut had joined them and it became very clear to Donny how very Austrian Wicki really was. Except when Wicki taught Stiglitz English, they spoke German to each other. And after a few months, when Stiglitz had gotten settled, they even spoke quite a lot. And Donny did not understand them.

That none of the other men understood them either did not matter to Donny. He took it as something personal, that in a group as small as theirs he could not understand two of the individuals half the time. And it frustrated him especially in situations such as these, when it was obvious something was going on, but he could not for the life of him understand what. And so he decided to find out.

He finished his meal and tried to act as nonchalant as possible, while keeping an eye on either Stiglitz or Wicki at all times. Sooner or later something would happen, he could feel it in his gut. About an hour later, he saw first Wicki and then Stiglitz sneak off into the woods in the same general direction. He mumbled something to Utivich about "goin' t' take a piss" and followed them ten minutes later. He found them easily and settled behind some rocks to watch the proceedings. It seemed as if they were continuing the banter that they'd had earlier on.

"Wieso neckst du mich? Das machst du sonst auch nie. " _(I'm just wondering, why are you suddenly feeling so... playful? It is not like you.)_

Stiglitz was digging for a cigarette in his pockets, cursed a bit when he found one that was broken in half. Wicki sighed and gave him one from his own pack. Stiglitz grunted in an appreciative manner.

„Antworte mir." (_Answer me.)_

"Uns sind in den letzten paar Tagen keine Nazis über den Weg gelaufen, mir ist einfach langweilig." _(We haven't run into any Nazis for the last couple of days and I'm feeling bored.)_

"Also bin ich nur zu deiner Unterhaltung da? " _(Oh, so I'm only here to keep you from getting bored?)_

Stiglitz raised one eyebrow and took a step closer to Wicki.

"Was ist mit dir nur los? Du jammerst wie ein Weib." (_Why are you acting like this? Why are you being such a woman about it?)_

Wicki's mouth tightened. Stiglitz mouth twitched as if he were about to smile again.

"Gibs zu. Du stehst drauf, wenn ich mit dir vor den anderen versaut rede." _(Admit it. You like it when I talk dirty to you in front of the men.)_

They stared at each other for a long time until Wicki finally made just the tiniest inclination with his head.

„Vielleicht." (_Maybe.)_

By now they were standing so close to each other that their noses were hairs away from bumping.

"Ein Arsch bist du trotzdem. Wegen dir bin ich knallrot geworden!" _(You're still a bastard though for making me blush.)_

Stiglitz said nothing and before Wicki knew what was happening, the other man had pushed him up against a tree and was kissing him aggressively. They were tearing at each other's clothing, Stiglitz was biting Wicki's neck and Wicki was pushing into Stiglitz's leg that was wedged between his own. The sex was never sweet and tender, it was a wrestling for power and whoever came out on top that time got to be on top.

----

Donny's mouth was hanging open. _What…the… fuck?! _

"Ah… _Hugo!_"

And it was with that moan that Donny snapped out of it. He crept silently back to the fire, feeling as though his brain had gone on vacation. He did not talk for the rest of the evening and when the pair came back a while later, Stiglitz looking all triumphant, he only let out a small gurgle.

And so it came to be that Donny finally accepted feeling stupid from time to time. Some things were just not worth knowing.


End file.
